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You have reached The Innerwebs. Perhaps you have heard its name whispered in the night after all decent folk had gone to bed. Perhaps you have heard its name screamed in heartbroken rage when the neighbors were fighting, just before the door slammed and the wife left with their children, leaving her husband alone to sit in the bright, but cold and soulless, glow of his electric mistress’s face. Perhaps you were warned away from here, but for whatever reason, you have come. Now your presence is evidence enough of your intent to participate in the doings of this place and its people. For that, you must register a free account.
I can tell by your steady gaze that you are a prudent and cautious person and that you are doubting the benefits of such a pact. Permit me to enumerate a handful of them:
- Join a closely-knit community of characters, whose personalities span the spectrum from friendly and helpful to gruff and offputting but with a heart of gold to disturbingly cold and blank and lacking any sort of human conscience at all.
- Engage the aforementioned community in conversation. Frivolous banter, sports discussion, or political one-upsmanship, take your pick.
- Get the latest advice on how to make and eat food with a comprehensive recipe log. I have not yet tried any of the recipes myself, but I assume in good faith that they are edible.
- Plunge yourself into the arcade, where you will be frustrated and demoralized by alien invaders, rainbow colored ghosts, and any other manner of creature of which you might conceive in your most fevered nightmares. The arcade is a yawning, ever-widening chasm from whose depths there is no escape.
- For the more discriminating adult, there is also talk of boobies.
Aha! Your nervous fidgetting betrays your childlike eagerness to join. Do not worry; the task of registration is simple. All you must do is sign here. (And then fill out in whatever it asks for. I am certain you can handle it. I mean, given some of the people who have already managed to register themselves…)
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